A while back I wrote 2 thoughtful emails on Relationships and The Happily Ever After. Seeing how life has a habit of putting us through a varied array of experiences which constantly make us reassess our philosophy in life, I found it to be appropriate for me to do so at the moment. If you haven’t read the first 2 thoughts, I would suggest you do so now, but knowing how sometimes, reading long articles can be a hassle, here’s the gist of things in a nutshell:

I believed, and still do, that relationships should just happen… that a relationship, in its very essence, is about 2 individuals leading their lives in parallel to one another. Like walking on the same path side by side. Also, the Happily Ever After, I believe to be a myth. The social construct of what relationships are, should be destroyed and rebuilt to fit the times and the way that people have become, NOW. While for some it seemed that I was opposing relationships, it was merely an attempt on my part to establish a crucial part of my outlook on life. “You should always find a new way of looking at things, until they appear the way you need them to be”. Changing perspectives is crucial. Case in point, here I am, changing perspectives.

We all seek out relationships, in their many different forms: Friendship, Best Friends, Lovers, Long Term, Short Term, Fleeting…. any form of interaction between you and another person. We also, transition from one point in our lives to the other. Transition from which type of relationship is the one we want most, or need most. The university years, for most people, are about test relationships, where you are trying to find what you like. They are also fleeting affairs just for fun maybe, but for the most part, they are an adventure. You set out into the unknown without much thought or planning, but simply the hope that things are going to be fun.

As the years pass, and more responsibilities are thrust our way, we either change, or get more set in our ways. Some insist on the quick romance, as it offers them an escape without too much trouble (as they would hope), while others seek out the stable amour, which provides peace of mind and comfort. Now, for a while, I used to adhere to one of the two mind frames, I have eventually changed. I now believe in something much different. Much bigger. Much more interesting. More of an extension to previous thoughts.

A stable relationship, or basically long term relationship with someone, is not just about comfort, and peace of mind. It is supposed to be an adventure. Yes, it sounds like a cliche, but the truth is, if there is no excitement in your life, as a couple, if there are no unknowns, or surprises, then what is there? Limbo? Comfort in the usual? if so, then this goes against everything I believe to be at the very essence of who we are as human beings.

Our prerogative, our 1st and golden commandment is Free Will. The freedom to choose. And it is our choices in life that define who we are. It is these choices, and taking responsibility for them, that have allowed humanity to exceed our dreams, and keep on dreaming. So too in relationships, does choice play an important role. What most people forget, is that every day, you choose to be in the relationship; there are no musts, or obligations. There is only choice. Whether you are married or not, the choice is always there. Whether you have children or not, you still have a choice to make. It is a constant, daily decision that you make every morning when you wake up, and every night before you go to sleep. You choose to be with that person, you choose to love her/him, you choose to fight for the relation, you choose to do your best… You choose everything. In the least, when things really are out of your control, you can still choose how to react to them.

What I am basically saying is that when you realize that everything you do, and specially, the relationship you are in, is a matter of choice, a choice that you have to make, you truly achieve freedom. And when you are free, the adventure takes on a whole new face. It is when people feel forced to be in a relationship, for any reason, that things start to get claustrophobic. People who avoid marriage thinking, “how can i stay with just one woman” do not realize this. They believe that signing a piece of paper means a contract for life… This is not marriage. Marriage is finding your best friend and realizing that you want to spend as much time as possible with them. It’s about giving each other space when you need to, and being there for each other when the situation calls for it. You know you are married not early on, but rather at the end of your life. After having spent a lifetime together, you can say you were married. It is basically only upon your death bed that you will look up at the person next to you and finally be able to say: Thank you for being my wife!

Also, when I say the happily ever after is a myth, though the last time around, I referred to the problems after the initial romance, I was talking about the certainty, irrevocable certainty, of the occurrence of problems throughout the relationship. The up times, the moments of happiness and hopeless romance, are the reason why we get into relationships. These are the times that make it all worthwhile, and keep us wanting more, trying to last longer, or as long as possible. The down times, the fighting, arguing, disagreement and all the other stupid and ugly things, are the times when our love for each other is tested. This is when the choice is given us. Every down time, is a chance for us to reassess the relationship we are in. Do we stick it out? Do we try to get over the hurdle? Or do we let go, give up and end what we have?

There is no right or wrong answer. The choice is yours as it always has been and always will be. There definitely will be times when keeping at it will be the option that only one of you will pick. So what then? If it is always a choice, who wins? Right?… wrong. Because even when you make a choice, even when you both choose to end the bond, you must reassess the decision. While going on a whim, or following an impulse is an exhilarating experience, it does not apply to all situations in life. You can not, for instance, quit your job on a whim, when you have a large family depending on you. Any family depending on you. But if you live alone, and lead a single lonely life, then this might be a more valid choice for you. What are the repercussions? Whatever they may be, you alone pay for the consequences. In a relationship however, you are not; there are two of you who will have to suffer the consequences, and this makes the impulsive decision, a very risky and heavy one to make. When you reassess though, something else is happening. You are not throwing away the time you spent together. It did not go to waste. You are giving this precious time its proper value and respect. Remember, you chose to enter the relationship in the first place; you chose to keep at it… why would you throw it all away? The reason has to be a very valid one, for your own sake. This does not mean, however, that you should always stick it out regardless… on the contrary, some reasons, some mistakes are too great to warrant the maintaining of the relationship. But for the most part, things are not so drastic.

So here are some thoughts for you to consider… definitions of sorts:

Romance: The dreamy state of being together and floating on a magic carpet, high in the clouds, with an eternal sunset in the background. Your favorite music filling the air, as you fly together towards the horizon. However long it lasts, it will feel like forever.

Love: Avoiding sleep so as not to miss an opportunity to be with the subject of your love. It’s the smile you get on your face when you see your lover’s smile. The shining glow of being together. It is those moments that can be fleeting instances in a day, or days on end…

Passion: Usually after an absence from one another, however long or short the absence, when you can’t keep your hands off each other. Passionate love making, passionate kissing, long and warm hugs… I am sure you know what I am talking about… and if you don’t… well… I pity you.

Relationships: The daily choice to be with someone, because of the happiness they bring to your life, because of the good they provide… most importantly, because being in one, gives you the opportunity to hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better than today. Grab on to this hope… and come what may… try to never lose it.

We have all been scarred in our lives, from a great relationship gone bad, to the loss of a loved one, betrayal or any strong negative event… and we all were affected in one way or another. While some remained hopeful, others were hurt badly. But the unchanging truth is: There is always hope. Because no two people are the same, and so too, regardless of how strangely similar a current relationship might be to a past one, it remains different and unique. And after all, if you keep doing things the same way…. you shouldn’t be surprised that the results are the same… change things up, and always remember:

You Always Have A Choice.

I choose to hope, that long lasting love, exists… and whatever the risk, whatever the consequence, I pay it gladly.

What do you choose? Share your thoughts, I would love to know!